To the Woman in Bloom

This journey hasn’t been as soft as you thought it would, huh?

Instagram makes it look so peaceful, as if this awakening presents itself carefully and graciously. No one tells you how it’ll whip you around. How it’ll toss you back and forth between knowing yourself and having no idea who you’ve become. Between being pleased with your growth and utterly confused at what’s happening to you.

No one tells you the pain that comes from pushing through the soil so victoriously. But truly it’s worth it, and below are a few things I’ve learned about that journey toward victory.

Enlightening can’t come without acknowledging that you were once in darkness—and sometimes that realization is painful.

We never want to admit that we forwent our light. We want to believe that we’ve always held onto it; that it just presented itself differently back then. Shoot, sometimes when you sit in darkness long enough, you start to appreciate the crack under the door as a source of light. So when you step into you light fully, and leave the darkness behind, it’s hard. You want to retreat back there. You want to revisit the places that held you captive, but you realize you no longer fit into tight spaces. It’s hard to let go; to end an era of being hidden and unsure. To step boldly into your calling and the woman you’ve become. You’ll want to continue playing with old things, but it won’t feel the same. And as hard as it might be to let go, you’ll have no other choice. Leaving will be hard, but you must do it. You will do it. Because blooming doesn’t wait for anyone.

Self-work means existing in a constant state of being and becoming.

Some days I thought I had arrived; on others, I felt that I barely scratched the surface. There was an odd balance of stillness and perseverance that accompanied my journey. It meant that on some days I was active in my pursuit of a new me, and other days I was already comfortable with who I had become. I had to experience both of those feelings — the moments where I wasn’t sure if I had grown enough and the ones where I could physically see the path I’ve forged. I had to see, feel, and enjoy both women.

The battle of being and becoming, simultaneously, was ever present. After a few cycles, I realized that I’d never really arrive, that self-work means being constantly in transit. It meant honoring the strides I’d taken, but never being too settled in with her. Knowing that there is always a better me right beyond this rest stop. I had to embrace that. Not forcefully, but in a way that allowed me to be graceful and kind to both women — to both moments.

You deserve all the good things you’ve been keeping from yourself.

It’s hard to get used to being kind to yourself—trust me I know. You’re so used to being critical, that extending grace is difficult. You deserve it though. You deserve the softness that the journey hasn’t quite provided. You deserve the care that you’ve sought others to provide. You deserve love even through these difficulties. In fact, this journey will be unbearable without it. Stop waiting to receive that from others, and start providing it for yourself. Start watering your own roots and stop waiting for others to do so. You are responsible for your own blooming, stop putting it in the hands of others.

You deciding to heal is a form of liberation, not a sign of brokenness.

You having something to heal from doesn’t mean you’re broken, it means you’re honest. It means that instead of worrying about how your trauma will be perceived (most critically by yourself) you’re focused on breaking free from its bondage. It means that you chose freedom over fear. So many of us become victims of circumstance. We cower in the face of our trauma and the way it manifests in our lives. We accept who we are as a result of it, and choose to honor that being without challenging ourselves to be better. You’ll never break free that way. You choosing to heal doesn’t mean you’re broken, it means you’re free. It means that you’re ready to stop allowing your past to dictate your destiny. It means that you realized you’re worth more than remaining the same woman. You’ve been in survival mode long enough, now it’s time to flourish.

Blooming, for me, means stepping into your true beauty. It means flourishing into fullness and experiencing true freedom. And while the ride may not be as beautiful as it seems, the woman you become through it will be.