How I Heal

1. Desire to be healed

2. Pray

3. Believe/Faith

That's what I wrote down as I studied biblical principles of healing. After my most recent breakup, I was ready to get the process started. Ready to get over the rough patches and the resurfacing of the hidden parts of myself, introduced in these last 2.5 years.

Though, embracing the great times, I was ready to move on. To embrace the new, great times, with a new great being, all while acknowledging that I must heal first. Heal from the pain, the insecurities, the arguments, and from it being the most amazing love of my life, despite the rumble and tumble we’ve put ourselves through. A love that stretched us and strengthened us in ways I’m sure neither of us could’ve imagined. And, while longing for this love of transition and growth to last, it just wasn’t—to no fault of mine.

I wanted to heal because I didn't want to be weighed down by the hardship of a broken heart. I wanted to heal because love is too precious to let bitterness ruin it. Love so pure. So unconditional. I experienced that and I want it again. So I know, with such a request, I must enter with a clean slate. Completely cleansed, restored, and renewed.

I started my healing process by deleting phone numbers and social media handles. I thought it would be easier to rid myself of him completely, like I had done in all my other relationships. I wanted to erase the trace of him from my life; but it was hard to do that with the smell of his cologne lingering in my apartment, and the prints of his fingertips still etched into my skin. I knew this process would be hard—he was my best friend, knew all of me, and loved me in spite of it—but I didn’t think it’d be impossible.

How many times did I have to block him in order for me (or him) to stay away?

Weeks passed and we still occupied restaurants together, churches together, and miscellaneous events geared toward our blackness together (Greek events and rallies to name a few).  I kept calling him for my biggest celebrations and my biggest mistakes—and he, me. The healing that I needed wasn’t happening because I was still (emotionally) involved. He was still there. How can I heal with his presence still wrapped up in mine?

God said: “heal now,” and I struggled to figure out how. I made up in my mind that no matter what my situation was, how often we continued to talk, or how many outings we had, I was determined to work through it—to heal—for me.

I realized that sometimes healing happens in the middle of the situation you need healing from. It happens in the middle of the sidewalk while the rain is pouring down. It happens during the car ride and the many difficult conversations. I didn't want to welcome healing during those moments. I wanted to heal my way. In my space. On my own. I wanted to heal away from him. But somehow, we kept reconnecting. We kept being friends. And, God...God wanted me to heal...now.

My biggest heartache, caused by my most meaningful love, needed to be healed in the very presence of that love. I recognized that part of the healing I was longing for—trying to chase down—was in the friendship we forged.

How do I heal? Through revelation. Through strength. Through consistency. I heal in a direction of growth and prosperity. I heal with my mind, eyes and heart on my healer. I heal constantly. Because as life happens, so should healing. In and out of situations; over and over again.

I heal through the utter desire for healing, through the prayer I need to get it, and the faith I need to believe it's already done—whether the situation is over, or I’m right in the middle of it.