Are you willing to give up everything for what God promised you?

This question provoked confrontation that I didn't expect to be met with on that rainy Monday evening. It was presented at the end of a dynamic conversation about trusting God. Eight black women surrounded the table to share testimonies and insight about the burdens and breakthroughs of trusting God. Many had triumphant stories to share. Me, I was there to absorb what they were pouring out.

This season – this entire year, really – has been incredibly challenging for me. This isn’t the first time I shared that; and I’m not sure that it will be the last (though I am hoping it will). It’s a truth that I’ve begrudgingly come to accept. "This is how my 2017 will be, I guess," I thought to myself month-after-month.

I wasn't sure how this process fit into God's promise for my life; it felt more like misery, to me. I often challenged Him on it. Sometimes I scolded Him for it. But I stayed diligent in the reality that this is what I must endure—so endure I shall.

Then Lisa asked that question and my entire heart sunk. I was conflicted. 

Are you willing to give up everything for what God promised you?

Did I want God’s will?
Yes, I’d be crazy not to.

But did I really want God’s will? No. I knew that by my hesitancy. I wasn't willing to give up everything for it. I felt like God had already stripped me of much, but losing everything to pursue His promise? I don’t know about that, God. At least not for the promise I was currently in pursuit of. Not through what I've had to go through already. I wasn't willing to get any lower than I already was. Not for this.

Then I did an honest evaluation. One separate from my very temperamental emotions. One that was straight-up real.

Did I really want God's promise for my life? HECK YEAH! But this process was hard. So hard. And because of that, I was willing to convince myself that I didn't. For eight months I told myself that His promise isn't "worth it". That I never wanted it. That I didn't care if He fulfilled it or not. For eight whole months I spoke against the very thing God wanted to bring into my life because the way He chose to deliver it knocked me off my feet (in a bad way).

Truth is, I wanted it then and I want it now. Yes, I'd give it all up to get it. And, despite what I say aloud to convince myself otherwise, I realized, in that moment, the role my hurt has played on me receiving the will of God. I recognized how much—despite feeling like I've been obedient—I've been standing in my own way. I acknowledged that it's time to stop letting the hurt I've experienced force me to disregard it.

FIX YOUR HEART.

The only explanation for my disregard for God's promise, one I so desperately wanted a year prior, was that my heart was still hurt. The pain from the journey was still so real. The pursuit was still sucking the life out of me. I was exhausted. Weak. Frustrated. All of that sat in my heart and tainted every vision I had for my future. For God's will. It wasn't that I didn't want it, it's that my heart wasn't right. My heart wasn't in a position to receive it.

So what is your heart like? Are you convincing yourself out of the will of God? Are you so hurt by your circumstance that you've begun dismissing God's promise? Are you so weary, that you'd rather stray?

If you don't earnestly want God's will, you won't wholeheartedly pursue it. But to operate outside of His will is to diminish the true essence of your creation. It's to deny God the right to do in you what He put you here for. To dismiss His plan for your life is to tell God that it is not good enough; or that you are not sufficient enough. It's an insult to His beautiful creation (you) and His omnipotence. And it turns to all of this because you allowed your feelings to control your faith. Because you let your circumstance dictate what your forever would look like, despite what God already showed you. Because you allowed yourself to trust your condition more than your Creator.

Are you willing to give up everything for what God promised you?

In that moment it all made sense. It wasn't me, it wasn't my situation, it wasn't even the other party(ies) involved; it was my heart. The hurt that I'd been experiencing. The pain that I'd been desperately trying to fight. The lies I'd been telling myself about why it didn't work, why it never could work, and why I didn't want it to work. I had to let go of the limiting thoughts my carnal mind constructed and get honest with myself. Brutally honest. Faithfully honest.

Zora Neale Hurston said it best "there are years that ask questions, and years that answer”. Ironically, the question that was asked, was also the answer I'd been seeking.

So I pose the same quandary to you: Are you willing to give up everything for what God promised you? Or does your heart need a little fixin', too?

With love,

Z.

P.S - Thank you Dae, for reminding me that no matter how loud I scream a lie, it is still a lie. No matter how hard I try to convince myself of something that isn’t true, my heart will always know, and feel, the truth.